Op-Ed from a Turkey

This Thursday, turkeys like me from across the nation will once again observe a day of solemn remembrance, as survivors look back on the friends and family who met their destiny this Thanksgiving. While the pain of this “holiday” is difficult for birds everywhere, some of us have been able to find the silver lining. 

“It’s my time,” said Timmy the Turkey from Ohio, shortly before making his final journey to Kroger’s poultry section. When Turkey Today asked him if he had any parting words for the humans who would consume him, Timmy replied, “Thaw thoroughly, put me in brine overnight, cook to 165 with a syrup-butter baste, and rest for 30 minutes. If I’m gonna go, I want to go like a champ, am I right?” 

Sir Tommy Turkey of London shared similar ruminations Sunday evening from his farm, shortly before his flight to the United States in order to bolster local supply. “The noble task of the turkey  is burdensome, I grant, but at this final hour I must confess that this American slaughter - this bloodletting of unknowable proportions - this is what we were born and bred to accomplish. God created man to subdue the earth, and henceforth from the fall of Adam, that has meant eating me. I shall accept my fate. Gobble gobble.”

Indeed, turkeys like Timmy and Sir Tommy can take comfort knowing that their death is not in vain. At the end of the day, America needs these birds. As my late grandmother Tammy Turkey once said, “Honestly, I would rather you eat me than tell me that you’re vegan - again.”

This holiday, give thanks for the innocent turkeys who will meet their feathery fate for our good. And then eat them.